Ramblings of Gratitude

WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG.

It is not very organized. I've had all these thoughts boppin' along in my head for a week and had to get them out. 

It's mostly for me, but I would love if you wanted to hear what I have to say.

I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that I don't even know how to express it. Those who know me well know that I am not light-winded, so this is quite a feat. I have felt the need to express everything that has been going on in my world over the last week, but I just haven't found the time to do it. With starting the master's program tomorrow I know I need to just get it out, because there definitely won't be time after tomorrow. 

First of all, I have to say that until going through this miscarriage I had a very clouded view of what miscarriage actually is. After the fact I realized that everything that I have based my knowledge of miscarriage on is from a book I read in high school in which a character had a miscarriage as well as my mother's experience miscarrying from my 8 year frame of reference. There was so much I didn't know about miscarriage. I was pretty shocked when I started having so much back pain that my back was completely locked up. For the first 3-4 days I couldn't straighten my back all the way. When I could walk on my own I was hunched over holding onto walls and furniture as I made my way around the apartment. I think that was the only time I have ever been grateful for living in such a small apartment. Other times Matt had to help me roll over in bed, get out of bed and/or walk to the bathroom. I'm so grateful for him.  All of this happened during finals week.  He made the choice to skip his finals to help me and take care of Abigail. I don't think I could have made that choice. He knowingly chose to risk failing his classes in order to take care of me. Luckily, his teachers had pity on him (and me) and gave him incompletes in his classes, so he could finish the coursework on his own time this next semester while he's taking other classes.

Matt has been my rock through this entire experience. I love him so much!!! I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He may not understand social cues and how to be socially appropriate without the hairy eyeball from me, but I couldn't ask for a more loving man. He has refused to cry in front of me or Abigail.   I knew how incredibly excited he was for this baby, so I knew he had to be hurting, but from day 1 when I started spotting just over 2 weeks ago he just held me and told me everything would be alright as I sobbed and yelled out in sadness, frustration and fear. That night he told me he was going to be outside.  I was in bed and out of it and Abigail was entertaining herself, so I wasn't concerned. After a while I was really missing him, so I decided it would wise to get outside and water the plants. Abigail came with me. I was surprised that I couldn't see Matt anywhere. A neighbor asked me if I was okay. I told her I wasn't and cried in her arms. We talked for a while.  I still couldn't find Matt. Before too long he turned up. Apparently he had been in his car talking to his mother and crying. When my faith started to waver he always told me it would be okay. A week later on the day we found out that it was for sure a miscarriage Matt let me cry and even took Abigail out so I could be alone and process everything how I process things -- writing. (With the last post I knew that there would be people who would read with differing belief systems from mine. For a split second I thought about limiting the religious piece, but it's just who I am. I can't look at miscarriage without seeing God. Religion is not just something that I do. It's so entwined in who I am. I am sorry if it made anyone uncomfortable, but to be honest I'm not very sorry. It's just who I am and people who know very much about me know that. It's how I'm coping, and the blog is more for me than anyone else. A fellow believing friend told me that it was a great opportunity to witness. That's not what I was intending. My only intent is to express myself and if you can see God in my experience we have something in common. If not, it's okay. That's not why I love you.)   That's when I wrote that last blog post.  Afterward I decided that I would go running to get things going. That was a mistake. I ended up walking, because just as I was leaving I started getting some pretty good back pain. Then as I walked up every street in our neighborhood with an incline my back pain started to get worse.  From that night on I have had pretty bad back pain.  It, of course, varies in its severity. So, the point of all of this is that Matt has dropped all of his responsibilities, handled the emotional side of all of this on his own and through his own channels (Thank goodness for his mother and his sister, Jody, who have always been able to calm him down or talk sense into him when I can't.  And thank goodness after a little prodding he was willing to sit down and read my blog and the comments and posts left on Facebook with me.  It was very therapeutic for him and gave me great comfort to read and shed a few tears together for our joint loss.) was able to move forward. He juggled homework, taking care of Abigail, taking care of me (which was almost harder than taking care of Abigail) and trying to keep the house functional. It's a lot to ask of a man, and through it all he has been here for me 100%.

So many people have approached me in one way or another telling me of their experiences with miscarriage.  I was aware of some of their miscarriages, but many of them I had no idea they had had a miscarriage. That makes me more and more aware of the fact that I have approached this differently than so many, but it also makes me so grateful that I approached it the way I did. While this loss has become very public I am so grateful that people have reached out to me instead of me having to find people to reach out to. I think I would have felt very alone through this whole process, and instead I feel a huge outpouring of love. When I think about it I can't help but tear up a bit; not because I am sad (although I have experienced moments of that) but because I am touched deeply by the love and concern I have received. Some have said what a strong woman I am.  It is hard for me to believe that, but that comes from years and years of low self esteem that I have been trying to reverse. Let's just say I believe it more than I did 5 years ago and I am accepting the compliment.  That's a big improvement.

I have basically been spotting for 2 weeks. I had severe back pain for about a week and then started cramping for about half a week. Today at 9 weeks and 4 days gestation I had my D&C surgery. They gave me a general anesthetic and I was completely out before they even rolled me into the operating room. I didn't know how I would respond to anesthesia. I've had general anesthesia several times and I generally don't recover all that well.  I recovered fabulously. I was very tired at first, but I just rested in bed. I couldn't sleep, but I did my best to stay down. I was so grateful to Anna Smith for watching Abigail half the day while I was at the hospital. I got to spend about an hour with Abigail and then Megan Merkley picked her up and Abigail played with Emma for about 4 hours. They have gotten to be good friends. I was watching Abigail play with a friend outside while waiting for Matt to come outside and take a shift when a neighbor and friend, Alicia Curtis, came and sat on the stairs with me to see how I was doing.  Then Heidi Smith came out with her son to take out the garbage and they played and she checked on me. These interactions mean so much to me. I love the little community we have here in our little 10-plex that we live in. Heidi also brought over dinner tonight, which was just delicious!! I am doing great! I have lots of energy and I'm in no pain at all (at least for now; hopefully, that will continue to be the case.) I have the urge to do a massive cleaning of the house so that there's not a dirty sock in the whole place or smudge on the floor. It has taken all the will power in me to listen to the medical staff and not overdo it. So, I did the dishes and I wrote this ridiculously long blog in order to keep from doing all the surface AND deep cleaning in one day. Yay me for making the better choice, even if the best choice is to lay down all day.

Well, I am going to call it a day and pray for this same energy tomorrow at 6 AM when I have to get up!!!