For Everyone Who Saw Our Baby Announcement

Well, the cat's out of the bag. I kept it quiet until I knew for sure what was going on, but it's confirmed now. Last Sunday we went to Hyrum and had the privilege of watching my brother bless his newborn baby, Colton Jay Davis. We spent the night and early Monday morning we headed back to Salt Lake because I had a doctor appointment. I started spotting just before the appointment.  During the appointment the doctor couldn't see the baby on the ultrasound. That's when I knew. I also had some blood tests to check my hormone levels. The bleeding stopped Monday night.  We went over to Matt and Melissa Watson's house.  Matt helped give me a blessing and Melissa was just a really good friend. The blessing gave me so much comfort. I was told that the baby would be okay and that Heavenly Father was happy with the choices that Matt and I are making and that now is the right time to go back to school. Thank goodness for that, because on Tuesday I got my financial aide award letter from Westminster and it wasn't what I was expecting. I was ready to throw in the towel and accept the educational interpreting job I was basically offered with Utah Schools for the Deaf and Blind when I attended the Mountain States Deaf Education Summit. The priesthood blessing was really comforting, but I really wanted to know whether the baby would be okay as in it would be mine to raise in this life or it would be okay and it would return to Heavenly Father and it would be apart of our family in the next life. I tried my best to function off the assumption that the baby would be fine in this life. My faith was strong at times and at other times as the test results started coming back or when I realized that I hadn't had morning sickness for awhile I didn't see how it was possible for the baby to be okay in this life.

I attended the temple twice last week.  I was hoping for some kind of revelation that the baby would either live or not.  I never got that kind of personal revelation, but I felt an overwhelming calm come over me. Since I quit my job at the school district we will be going on medicaid next month since I will be taking 16 graduate credits per semester in the master's program. While I was in the temple I got the impression that medicaid may not cover the pregnancy medical costs since I got pregnant before we would have gone on medicaid. I don't know if I received that impression for comfort purposes only or if that's how it really works, but it made sense to me. Looking forward it wouldn't be such a bad thing to give birth a little later than I was planning. It will be a plus to not give birth exactly a month before finals. I know it will continue to take time to finish miscarrying. And then there will be some time before we can start trying again. By the time I get pregnant again I will probably have a due date after I finish my student teaching a year from this Christmas.

Regardless, I still continued to try to believe that God could and would grant me a miracle. I know that He is capable of it in the past and the present. I have seen enough broken bones that miraculously weren't broken minutes later on an x-ray or impossibilities becoming possible. Most of the week I stayed on bed rest, but Friday I returned to all my regular activities. Friday night I started spotting. By mid-day Saturday it stopped only to return again, only heavier this time, Saturday night and it hasn't stopped. Since I was bleeding as much as I was I asked for another priesthood blessing. I was blessed that my body would heal quickly. I tried to still believe that a miracle was possible, but in the back of my mind I knew I was losing my baby. Even today before I talked to the doctor I tried to believe that my body could heal and carry the baby full-term. When I talked to Dr. Beckstead tonight just before closing it wasn't much of a shock that it was a miscarriage.

I'm really grateful that my Heavenly Father shed mercy on me and sufficiently prepared me for the news. I am so grateful for the comfort we receive through the Holy Ghost. I know that my baby is okay. I know that the baby's spirit has gone back to be with my Father in Heaven. I know that my deceased family members will take good care of the baby. I know everyone believes something different, but I believe that we have a loving Father in Heaven who wants us to gain all that He has. He set forth a plan in which we would all have the opportunity to come to Earth and receive a body and prove ourselves faithful. I also believe that some spirits are so righteous already that they don't need to be tested. They only need to receive a body. I believe my baby received a body and was able to return to Heavenly Father.  I believe that my baby is now teaching spirits about Christ's gospel who did not have the chance to hear about it in this life. I believe that I will be reunited with "her" after this life.  "She" will be apart of our family. I know that everything will be okay. I am sad, because it feels like a loss even though it isn't. That baby will be mine in the eternities and it gives me the strength to make the most of my life and be the most righteous person I can be so that I can be reunited with my child.

I let Matt and Abigail announce my pregnancy right away. Then as people who know me well could see that I was obviously showing I decided to announce it on facebook. Some people might think that it "serves me right" to announce so early, but I don't think I would have done it any differently. At one time in my life I kept my thoughts to myself, but that's not the person I am now. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I hadn't announced it yet, I would have tried to hide inside myself. I would have felt that it was socially inappropriate to talk about it. I wouldn't have known who to reach out to. Since I already threw social tradition out the window it means I can talk about it if I want to.  It means I can tell individuals if I don't want to talk about it. It means I don't have to figure out who to depend on.  It means the people who care about me will hold me and just let me cry if I need to. It means people who have had similar experiences can share their stories with me and understand what I'm going through. And there's nothing that gave me more joy than seeing the light in Matt and Abigail's eyes when they announced my pregnancy to people who are important to them. I would never take that away from them.

Now for the most popular question, "How are you really doing?" I am sad, but I will be okay. I am ready to put myself back together, take charge of my house after being on bed rest for a week, start exercising and take control of my body. Most of all, I just want to forget myself in service. I want to worry about other people. I'm tired of worrying about myself. Yes, I'm sad and when you ask me about it I might burst into tears, but I really am okay. It's just the mom in me being separated from my child. Don't shy away from me. Don't avoid me. Don't avoid talking about it. All you have to say is, "I'm sorry and I love you!" It doesn't have to be awkward around me. I can't promise I won't shut some of you out for a little bit, but I promise I'm doing the best I can and I'll come around sooner than later.

I love you all!!!